A Chat With Columnist, Author Rochelle Riley

OAK PARK – Detroit Free Press columnist and author Rochelle Riley shared her joyful, down-to-earth spirit during a chat this week with Berkley Patch about her experiences as a parent.

Riley was in town to help kick off Parenting Awareness Month, speaking Wednesday on the topic "Good Parenting is Good Prevention" at in Oak Park as a special guest of the Tri-Community Coalition.

She also signed copies of her book, Raising a Parent: Lessons My Daughter Taught Me While We Grew Up Together.

"We adopted each other in 1992," Riley said of her daughter, Therese, 21.

At the time, Rilely said, she was working as a reporter at The Washington Post and was trying to decide whether she wanted to spend her career there or move on to a new challenge.

"I was not married, not engaged and not dating," she said. "So, I asked myself: Do I wait for some magic connection to do what I want to, which was become a mom, or do I do what I always do, which was go and get it for myself?"

Around that time, she said, an editor from The Dallas Morning News called and asked her to "come home." (Riley had previously worked in Dallas.) That phrasing resonated with the journalist, who opted to head South to pursue her career and start her family.

"For me, it was about developing a life, not just a career," she said.

Berkley Patch editor Leslie Ellis: What are your thoughts on Gov. Rick Snyder's proposed cuts to education?

Rochelle Riley: The governor is right to propose the cuts. I think what's wrong is everyone reading it that the cuts are for children.

He wants to cut costs. ... He's making people do what they should have done anyway, which is consolidate and merge services. He has not told anyone to cut anything to do with children.

You have to put the kids first and then cut your budget. Let's see you do that.

Berkley Patch: Should a parent be friends with his or her child?

Riley: No. I think the most important thing a parent can offer a child is guidance, and kids don't take guidance from their friends. If they don't take you seriously because you're buds, they miss out on that relationship. A child's first mentor should be their parent.

I told my daughter: You don't have to like me, but you have to love and respect me and never call me from jail.

And she never did. (Riley laughs.)

Berkley Patch: What most surprised you about being a parent?

Riley: Everything. Every single thing. Even things you think are prepared for. The funny thing for me was when I found myself doing the things (my grandparents, who raised me) did.

Berkley Patch: What advice can you offer to fellow parents?

Riley: If you've got time to ask whether you're doing it right, you're not. It's like NASCAR: You have to slow down and adjust, you have to make pit stops. ... Every child has their way – there is no right or wrong. It is literally all a coin toss.

Berkley Patch: What is the best piece of parenting advice you've received?

Riley: My aunt, who was there with me (throughout the adoption process), my dear aunt, said: "Are you sure?" She asked me that every day for a week.

When her aunt was convinced Riley wanted to be a parent, her support was unwavering, the author said.

Riley offered a few parenting tips based on her experience, but she emphasized that she is not an expert:

• "Know your child. Don't assume they're doing something they're not.
• "Be a parent, not a buddy. It's the hardest thing in the world. You want to be a buddy ... but all of it is peripheral to that parent-teacher relationship.
• "Act like they're watching, because they are," she said.

"Parenting is unrelenting," Riley said. "As long as you know you're always on duty, you'll be all right.

"You are instantaneously changed. Not just your routine, but your whole thought process changes."